Chapter Five: A Killer Job

I droop out of my sleep and back into reality with a deep shock filling my brain with psychic fire. I glare open my eyes and activate every cybernetic countermeasure in my body. I take a look at my surroundings with a deep penetrating stare. That’s right chair, what in all of spacetime are you lookin’ at? Huh? Huh? What now?! I’m sitting in a firelit room with a leather chair adjacent to me. I myself am sitting in a large leather recliner. To my left is a large brick fireplace, the fire is roaring and crackling with warmth. To my right is a small intricate wooden table, a lamp is sitting on the table. Red and black mosaic pieces make up the lamp’s hood and a golden frame is the lamp’s base. I, to the best of my drowsy ability, am absolutely rocking a black tux. I am one dapper mother-fucker! The tux is supported with a sick as all hell red tie, snazzy dress shoes, and I think I’m wearing a big black fedora. I have always wanted to wear this sorta thing, thank the red ape from mars it’s today of all days.

 

After taking quick inventory of my classy appearance. I look to the leather chair across from me. The smarmy, pale bastard known as Von Gash is sitting across from me. He has an ornate wine glass in one hand brimming with red liquid that I hope is wine, he’s wearing a basic assortment of the same clothes as I am: Black tux, red tie, blah, blah, blah. But the interesting thing is his entire repertoire has the oh so clever style of diagonal stripes going across his suit, tie, shoes, and even this one real pimp hat he has on his black mound of hair for a head. Archibald has huuuuuge side burns which are connected to one one hell of a moustache, super long hair that goes down to his shoulders, golden eyes that just roar murder, and really really sharp fangs. Yvenna may have had fangs, but Von Gash takes the theoretical cakes as far as amount and size goes. Humans and Vampians are supposed to have 32 teeth in total, an extra two (fangs) are given to those Vampians who come above the rest. Von Gash, well . . . Von Gash has 34 as far as I can count. And every single tooth is a really sharp and jagged piece of bone. Oh. wow. well that’s scary. What am I gonna do now?

“Sphinx! Wonderful! You’ve woken up! How exhaustingly exciting.” Von gash says as he puts the tips of his fingers together and spaces them out to emphasize how dastardly cunning he is.

“G’mor-evening Von Gash . . . Not every day I get to meet two Vampians in one day”

“Mmmm and it’s not every day that my house gets invaded by two young, upstart, chaos junkies” He says nonchalantly as he takes a sip from the glass of red stuff. Hey I ain’t an upsta- oh wait I guess to him I am, well at least I ain’t a chaos junkie . . . Now that I think about it that is a really good summarization of me.

“Well this was my first job in a couple of months so you’ll have to spare me the long overbearin’ speech about control, seriously dude this was one of the funnest raids I’ve had in a couple of weeks.” Von Gash smiles and puts the drink on his very own table next to him.

“Mr.Blaster . . . I want you, Sphinx, the dreadlocked Dominus, and the unseen Serpentes . . . To work for me and my personal estate on high budget missions with low mortality rates, high danger targets, and one of the greatest titles on all of Neon Gash . . . The Madness Brigade.” I drop my mouth in unison with one of my eyes twitching non-stop. My hair stands on end and my hands break into a cold sweat. Money! Danger! and one kickass title that rival the best!? Take the job you squealing idiot from Goetia, take it or I swear to Space Mecha Christ! I will give ourselves an aneurysm! Swear. To. Space Mecha Christ.  

Instantly I wrestle my face into the biggest grin I can manage, snap out some sick shades out of nowhere, and stretch out my business hand.

“Von Gash if I could say that sounds like the most rad thing in the entire multiverse of my existence. If you would please exchange a high five with me?” I say while inching my chair ever so slightly forward.

“Hah! I like the declaration of brotherhood you have created!”

Von Gash raises his hand high above his head and shoots it down faster than the speed of a bunny rabbit strapped to a rocket. The slap was, I suppose to say the least, so overwhelmingly loud my eardrum’s eardrum’s crack like the whips of thunder prompting my eyes to glint with that special sort of fire. Y’know, the kind that you see at the heart of explosions through the reflection off the scales of dragons shining through the eyes of a young marauder on a planet made of iron.

“Aright my pale friend of royal breed. Let’s kick this party off with a little tour of your sick crib!”

“Sounds splendid!” Von Gash rises from his seat simultaneous to me and we meet at about the same height: 6’2’’. Well shoot me with anteater teeth off the rims of saturn’s rings. This dude is the real deal. He walks to the far end of the completely black room and opens a door to a horribly bright hallway. Hhhhkkkk the light! Oh gods, why! I cover my eyes and remember I have some shades atop my eyes. I walk to the door and am greeted by quite the site.

Holy fuck that’s pure insanity.

I see a site of over one hundred skyscrapers . . . Underground. Some buildings look like they’ve been imported straight from Space London, huge cathedrals made from actual fucking stone and bricks are everywhere stones? Bricks? The hell did they get those?, spires are exploding from every single corner without a skyscraper, and little western style bars and space italian bistros are at the foot of every skyscraper. Beautiful ambient golden light is pouring out from the windows. I see the outlines of parties, masquerades, dancing, laughing.

The underground city is glowing with bubbly laughter that you see in the bottom of champagne glasses. It’s burning with something . . . I can see it . . . the spirit of the city, it is hope. Nothing more nothing less, but a beautiful burning hope.

I look to where me and the count are standing. I am on one of the most beautiful, spacious, arabian verandas that I have ever been on. The stone itself is burning with a pure ominous glow of sparkling night lights. I’m standing here literally filling my pants with amazement.

“You’re showing me one hell of a view right now, count” I walk along with him to double handed-ornate-gold-pair of doors.

“Oh, Sphinx my boy. You haven’t seen anything yet” He opens the door and I walk into the biggest mural I have ever seen. Well I’d say that’s bigger than a T-rex born with super steroids coursin’ straight to it’s DNA. The picture depicts thousands of pale, fangy, red and amber eyed, happy people across a large cliff looking down onto a huge cavern filled with darkness.

“Whaaaaat is this all about?” Did I wander into a pit-worshipping cult? Man those guys are the absolute worst. I feel my temples twinge and my hair stand on end as if . . . something long and overplayed is about to happen. Ohhhhh SHIT! My overly-long-talk about-history-senses are tingling!? Pricking? Annoying? There we go! Annoying! Not this again! I mentally shrug and sigh a little as I slightly let my eyes go out of focus as Von Gash gives me his shtick.

“400 years ago on the planet Shadow Glory, my people the Vampians were an endangered species.” Holy Goddesses! not a four-god forsaken-hundred year long story lesson! That’ll take forever (like five minutes) “Even though we were on the brink of extinction we still had our pride” Like every model blood-sucker should have young Sphinx, now let me talk about blah, blah, blahtity, blah! And did I tell you about this, well I for one think it’s worth saying again “with the thought of extinction close at hand. The remaining five million Vampians got out of Shadow Glory and banded together under my ancestor Vercrux Von Gash the lead pioneer of the Neon gash prerogative.” Wait his ancestor was a founding father of Neon Gash? Holy light of insanity! I’m standing next to royalty over here! “We Vampians now number at over 10 billion strong here in the Undercity. But there are those here in the Undercity that deserve more explanation than that. The girl you met, Yvenna, is one of the successors to the three main houses that support my family: the Blumenreich, the Panzerghul, and the Vertung. Her full name is Yvenna Blumenreich. I am proud to call her one of my personal staff members.” Hmm so that’s why she was sportin’ some mad fangage and seemed to be an undertaker. Splendid! I had someone professional operating on me, and not me in the bathroom with a butcher’s knife, a sack of transformers bandaids, and a magazine of Universe Weekly. “So to sum up a very long story. The city you see here is the fruit of Vampian blood, sweat, and tears. And the mural is the Von Gash Patriarch and the three other families looking over their descendants new home.” Is it over? Thank the many deranged gods of my psyche! I made it through some dude’s speech without crying, yawning, or spitting even once!

“So to sum up a little more from this long speech o’ your’s. Rex, Serpentes, and I will be going up against the baddest pieces o’ space-filth you can find, give us huge amounts of mulah, hook us up with one of the sickest title’s I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearin’, oh and make us part of an estate that has been around for over four hundred years. Therefore making a bunch of rabble rousers, me and ma friends, one of the hypest crew to ever charge across the crust of Neon Gash?” I say while looking him straight in the eyes. Trying to hold back a big-as-the Earth-smile.

He nods his head in the affirmative.

I lower myself to a crouching position, ball up my form, and launch myself into the sky.

“GREAT SPACE APE IN THE SKY I DONE DID IT MA!” I land on the ground with my arms raised to the golden ceiling. While my feet begin to do a little jig in front of my new employer. I stop my jigging and kneel before my smiling patron.

“So count o’ mine what ya got for a little merc like me?” I say while smiling to the ground.

“Well first I shall show you to your temporary living quarters in the estate. Then I shall get the rest of your equipment from your house so that you may fully equip yourself for your next mission.” I raise into a salute to the giant pale man in black, and quickly follow him to a door on the far end of the mural room.

“By the way count, where is Rex? I didn’t see him in the meeting room.”

“Oh I already met up with Rex. Luckily he doesn’t have any insane regeneration abilities that hinder his ability to simply meet up with his employer.” Meh he’s a little right but RRR is as useful as a mega-porcupine strapped to Star Destroyer! Don’t you go disrespectin’ my rad-as-all hell power. I breathe in to say something witty but then I let it go. Maybe we should treat the first boss that has given us a chance some respect. I follow him with a smile on my face and a shining in my eyes. A shining filled with the laughter of the city I work for.