Buon Giorno and Hello! Maybe it’s not the morning for you yet, but dammit it is for me! You will love this story. It has lasers, comedy, sick fight scenes, and a character more mysterious than Al Pacino’s long lost clone. That being said, the character isn’t all that mysterious. He’s more, you could say, disinterested in what’s happened and more interested in what can happen. I write to have fun and to bring fun to my audience, viewers, or alien super soldiers working on Earth. To every human: enjoy the blog! To every alien super soldier: enjoy the blog! Y’see, we don’t discriminate here in this dimension.
Author: SamBones
The Wild Guns of Neon Gash
THE ADVENTURES AND STORIES OF SPHINX BLASTER IN . . . UNKNOWN DANGER
Chapter One: An Eternity of Relaxation and One Day of Bliss
“In space, there are things we cannot begin to comprehend. The vigilante world that orbits the mega-planet Magnus, of course I am talking about Xzipit, better known as Neon Gash, is beyond our understanding. All we know is that it is the meeting place of calamities.”
– Old Man Lightning, primeval incarnation of lightning and an old adventurer from another dimension.
I awake to find myself upside down on my old, squeaky bed.
“Third time in a row I’ve ended up like this in my sleep. Maybe me – in my dreams – is tryin’ to tell me somethin’.” I sigh and arrange the pillows so that they’re at the back of the bed rather than the front.
“Now I better stay still during the night or else I’ll have to get myself a new shrink,” I say to no one. I jump out of bed and walk over to the adjoining kitchen/living room, and check the calendar to see if anything’s happening today. . . Nope. Again, another boring day where I get to do nothing. Great Space Ape in The Sky! This. Is. Boring! Maybe if someone were to try and assassinate me, maybe, just maybe, I could get some excitement. But,noooooo. I got to be stuck in here, because I’ve been put on house arrest by request of my would-be executives for “over-working” during an operation. So what if the building was destroyed to “no repair” in the process of the mission!? At least, I got the job done.
THE ADVENTURES AND STORIES OF SPHINX BLASTER IN . . . UNKNOWN DANGER
Chapter Two: The Mission
After taking the gifts into the vault, we leave my home in my heirloom Foose Coupe which has been used in generations past by the Blaster bloodline. We start up the car and hover out of the parking lot and into highway I-38 or as I like to call it: Clusterfuck. As we accelerate to the speed of sound I take inventory. I took two of the three major gifts with me for the mission – the mission that I still have no idea or clue of what we’re doing.
“Yo, what does this mission entail oh wayward brother from another mother?” I say while looking out into the utterly anxiety-causing, seizure-inducing traffic. Neon Gash traffic, by the way, is like looking at a rainbow of grainy bright colors going so fast they could cut your head off with a spoon. In every direction, mind you.
“The mercenary guild I’m from said we’re going after some new hotshot who kills for ritualistic fun calling himself ‘Mr.Fix.’ Apart from the location, I know nothing about him. The man is like a shadow.”
THE ADVENTURES AND STORIES OF SPHINX BLASTER IN . . . UNKNOWN DANGER
Chapter Three: A Dream Filled With Mystery
I’m in the dream again. It begins and ends the same way every time. I am inside a huge, dark space sitting in a recliner from the 21st century. The seat is made of leather and surprisingly soft to the touch. I’m wearing a Victorian-age night robe with a drooping hat. In my hands are my two favorite childhood books: How to Skin a God and Winnie the Fooh Goes AWOL. I’m wearing soft, bullsheep slippers that coze and surround my feet. Every dream begins with me screaming a profane curse to the many gods. But, the statement is soon hushed by the other being across from me: a man dressed as a tiger.
He wears a beautiful holomask of a tiger that glows a bright orange. He wears a golden tuxedo with black lines gnawing at the hems of the suit. The lines are short and jagged like a pair of teeth gnashing into the golden tuxedo. The Tiger-Man is sitting on the edge of a folding chair. He has a notepad, and the hologram eyes seem to be watching me curiously. Every time it starts like this.
The tiger is my therapist.
THE ADVENTURES AND STORIES OF SPHINX BLASTER IN . . . UNKNOWN DANGER
Chapter Four: A Deck Of Cards and a Bloody Pincushion
Awakening from a cosmic dream is always stressful. I am falling through buildings upon buildings made of asphalt and neon lights. Noodle bars, upside down verandas, tattoo parlors floating in mid-air, and a rainbow of explosive colors rush past me like a tripped out street made of strobe lights. Traffic. This is the Midnight District. Home of every piece-of-crap gangster, drug lord, and slave master on this moon. Also, it’s the home of this Augustus Bingen Von whatever who just sent me into a coma. Best day ever. Seriously, no – this is the most fun I’ve had in two months. I get a creepy premonition from my therapist, I get a new boss who seems to have some balls, and I finally get to field test my custom blasters. Sweet! My goals for this month have been totally met! I wonder, Will I wake up in a cozy bed or some creepy doctor’s operating table? Oh the excitement is just killin’ me!
Suddenly I’m spiraling into a cathedral made of liquidmetal, and my spirit breaks into my body at the speed of a two-headed uranian pilot’s barrel roll. I’m back baby!
THE ADVENTURES AND STORIES OF SPHINX BLASTER IN . . . UNKNOWN DANGER
Chapter Five: A Killer Job
I droop out of my sleep and back into reality with a deep shock filling my brain with psychic fire. I glare open my eyes and activate every cybernetic countermeasure in my body. I take a look at my surroundings with a deep penetrating stare. That’s right chair, what in all of spacetime are you lookin’ at? Huh? Huh? What now?! I’m sitting in a firelit room with a leather chair adjacent to me. I myself am sitting in a large leather recliner. To my left is a large brick fireplace, the fire is roaring and crackling with warmth. To my right is a small intricate wooden table, a lamp is sitting on the table. Red and black mosaic pieces make up the lamp’s hood and a golden frame is the lamp’s base. I, to the best of my drowsy ability, am absolutely rocking a black tux. I am one dapper mother-fucker! The tux is supported with a sick as all hell red tie, snazzy dress shoes, and I think I’m wearing a big black fedora. I have always wanted to wear this sorta thing, thank the red ape from mars it’s today of all days.
THE ADVENTURES AND STORIES OF SPHINX BLASTER IN . . . UNKNOWN DANGER
Chapter Six: A Declaration of Non-independence
I walk along with Von Gash for a while as he explains the beautiful scenery of his underground kingdom. The architecture inside the Von Gash estate is akin to that of ancient greco styles. Archways swing way overhead and meet the red carpeted floor. Swig, swagitty, swuggin’ if I do say so myself. We walk for a couple of minutes on velvet rugs as the scenery changes to a short little hallway with pictures of other residents. Velvet never felt so fine. The world really opens up when you got a job. I moesy for a little bit more when we finally make it to an ornate wooden door at the end of the dark hallway.